Of random note: in my first post I noted the voices in my head complaining about the lack of beef tacos. My husband and I made beef tacos for dinner on Friday night. Tacos, hard cider, and a movie, it was a relaxing and fun night.
I will admit that I gloated to that guy in my head that is always ranting on about tacos.
I have no apologies. He was asking for it for gloating every time he eats a taco. I was thinking of making a drinking game out of it.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Meet the new boss, who is an old boss
My manager dropped the news casually, as he might comment on weather:
“You’ll be getting a new manager.”
It wasn’t what I expected to hear this week, nor something I wanted to hear. I won't bother making my opinion pretty: that sucks.
Change is can be terrifying to me. Being bipolar, I do best if I can set a stable environment on an even keel. I crave excitement, I crave things happening, input, and that's the ADHD. There's a fine line to walk, finding a stability and routine that leaves room for things to get shaken up enough that I don't get bored. It's taken years to get that routine down, to have that comfortable space where my manager trusts and respects me, and I know how to deliver my best work because we've got the right framework in place. I like knowing that my boss give me all the tools to do my job, then let me work out the how, since I need the ability to just shut the door, ignore everything and everyone, and work. I need that. I've flourished in part to having found that sweet spot, that delicate balance. With my life often a chaotic whirlwind, work was that place that was "quiet" in comparison. I knew what to expect, even when life became a matter of expected the unexpected, put out a fire. I've done this job over 14 years, so it's not as if I need a specific manager to have that balance. However, I have been strongly enabled to do my best work here and I didn't want my situation to change.
After he spoke I froze for a moment, a rabbit in headlights. I don’t recall what I said, but I scribbled “new boss :(" in my notebook. It certainly wasn't necessary to note it down but the significance was automatic and my hand conveyed it.
Honesty fell from my lips before I could stop it. I told him how much I appreciated having him as a manager, and how much he'd helped me.
I have many reasons for why I thought he was a fantastic manager. When this man got handed me back in 2010, he didn't know what he was getting. He was given a my name, some background, probably some comments from my manager at the time, and the worst review of my career. I dreaded walking into his office to meet with him for the first time, not knowing what to expect. At first he scared me a little because I couldn't read him at all.
He didn't mince words, but essentially said that what we'd need to do is get my work up to a point where we could prove what I was capable of. It wasn't doubt. It wasn't a lecture.
Next steps. That's all.
At the time, I didn't deserve that much consideration in my own eyes. The horrible review had not been entirely of my making, but the "why" didn't matter so much as the fact that my poor performance was documented. All the focus was on how I could prove that I wasn't what was written in that review.
Many things happened in the time that followed. I realized that I needed help, and I went out to get it. I deliberated what to say to my boss. I had my diagnosis in hand: bipolar type 2, ADHD, mild PTSD. I didn't know if I wanted to say anything, but alternately, there was a lot of scrutiny from all sides to see if I'd make it. I knew it was there. I also knew that having to go to appointments or have crap days because of medication adjustments could come around and bite me later. I asked a friend of mine for advice; he was a manager on my team, and worked with my boss frequently. He said simply, "Absolutely."
I told him. There really wasn't much to say on his end; what do you do with that dropped on you? I felt better telling him, not only because I would have to deal with what I already outlined, but he'd see some changes I got bigger and better projects, projects that gave me a chance to stretch, to grow, but that didn't set me up for failure. I got to take on and learn things I didn't know I was capable of. When I got a promotion in October, I wanted to just run down the hall telling everyone. I made it.
You'll be getting a new manager.
I went back to my office feeling like I'd swallowed marbles. I didn't want change, I was comfortable, and my team shared the sentiment.
What happens now? Who will I report to? Will they "get" me? How much do I tell them? Would I have to act "normal" until this new unknown manager got to know me? Could they keep up with the crazy stuff I sometimes say, or get that sometimes I just can't keep it all bottled up? Would he/she be someone I could occasionally bust out the f-word in front of?
The marbles started jostling around. The work I was doing was going to another group, leaving me adrift from both a manager and the work that had been my life for over a year and a half. While they said our team would likely stay together I don't believe that's likely. We work together almost on instinct now, we know how to support each other and prop each other up. We can write up a list of tasks and know who is most suited for every part with very little thought.
Of the two best managers I've had at this company, one is the manager I'm losing, and the other was my manager back in 2000. He was my mentor and later friend. He saw potential in a girl with no degree or resume to speak of, but raw smarts, determination, energy, and a passion for the right things. The things you can't train.
In an interesting twist, he's a peer to my manager, so I have also worked with him the last year and a half, as well as on and off for the last few years on other projects. I would have loved to be on his team, but our past friendship meant we knew things about each other and I wasn't sure how he felt about that. The stories I could tell, that won't get told unless my toenails are getting yanked off. We haven't been "friends" in years just due to how life plays out sometimes but we still get along great.
On Friday I worked from home. For lunch, my husband and I walked out to get a bite to eat. As I sat down at a table, I looked at my email and found an email from that manager, asking if I could come talk to him if I was around. I had a hunch what this was leading to, as very rarely did I get messages with that much ambiguity. Since I wasn't in the office, he called me later that afternoon. He dropped it on me as easily as my other manager delivered his news. "How would you like to be on my team?"
I didn't quite squeal. Contrary to rumor, I do have some self-control.
I get to work on something I'm passionate about, too. It's the ideal outcome given the situation.
The marbles are out of my stomach and put in a bag before I lose any more of them than I already have.
“You’ll be getting a new manager.”
It wasn’t what I expected to hear this week, nor something I wanted to hear. I won't bother making my opinion pretty: that sucks.
Change is can be terrifying to me. Being bipolar, I do best if I can set a stable environment on an even keel. I crave excitement, I crave things happening, input, and that's the ADHD. There's a fine line to walk, finding a stability and routine that leaves room for things to get shaken up enough that I don't get bored. It's taken years to get that routine down, to have that comfortable space where my manager trusts and respects me, and I know how to deliver my best work because we've got the right framework in place. I like knowing that my boss give me all the tools to do my job, then let me work out the how, since I need the ability to just shut the door, ignore everything and everyone, and work. I need that. I've flourished in part to having found that sweet spot, that delicate balance. With my life often a chaotic whirlwind, work was that place that was "quiet" in comparison. I knew what to expect, even when life became a matter of expected the unexpected, put out a fire. I've done this job over 14 years, so it's not as if I need a specific manager to have that balance. However, I have been strongly enabled to do my best work here and I didn't want my situation to change.
After he spoke I froze for a moment, a rabbit in headlights. I don’t recall what I said, but I scribbled “new boss :(" in my notebook. It certainly wasn't necessary to note it down but the significance was automatic and my hand conveyed it.
Honesty fell from my lips before I could stop it. I told him how much I appreciated having him as a manager, and how much he'd helped me.
I have many reasons for why I thought he was a fantastic manager. When this man got handed me back in 2010, he didn't know what he was getting. He was given a my name, some background, probably some comments from my manager at the time, and the worst review of my career. I dreaded walking into his office to meet with him for the first time, not knowing what to expect. At first he scared me a little because I couldn't read him at all.
He didn't mince words, but essentially said that what we'd need to do is get my work up to a point where we could prove what I was capable of. It wasn't doubt. It wasn't a lecture.
Next steps. That's all.
At the time, I didn't deserve that much consideration in my own eyes. The horrible review had not been entirely of my making, but the "why" didn't matter so much as the fact that my poor performance was documented. All the focus was on how I could prove that I wasn't what was written in that review.
Many things happened in the time that followed. I realized that I needed help, and I went out to get it. I deliberated what to say to my boss. I had my diagnosis in hand: bipolar type 2, ADHD, mild PTSD. I didn't know if I wanted to say anything, but alternately, there was a lot of scrutiny from all sides to see if I'd make it. I knew it was there. I also knew that having to go to appointments or have crap days because of medication adjustments could come around and bite me later. I asked a friend of mine for advice; he was a manager on my team, and worked with my boss frequently. He said simply, "Absolutely."
I told him. There really wasn't much to say on his end; what do you do with that dropped on you? I felt better telling him, not only because I would have to deal with what I already outlined, but he'd see some changes I got bigger and better projects, projects that gave me a chance to stretch, to grow, but that didn't set me up for failure. I got to take on and learn things I didn't know I was capable of. When I got a promotion in October, I wanted to just run down the hall telling everyone. I made it.
You'll be getting a new manager.
I went back to my office feeling like I'd swallowed marbles. I didn't want change, I was comfortable, and my team shared the sentiment.
What happens now? Who will I report to? Will they "get" me? How much do I tell them? Would I have to act "normal" until this new unknown manager got to know me? Could they keep up with the crazy stuff I sometimes say, or get that sometimes I just can't keep it all bottled up? Would he/she be someone I could occasionally bust out the f-word in front of?
The marbles started jostling around. The work I was doing was going to another group, leaving me adrift from both a manager and the work that had been my life for over a year and a half. While they said our team would likely stay together I don't believe that's likely. We work together almost on instinct now, we know how to support each other and prop each other up. We can write up a list of tasks and know who is most suited for every part with very little thought.
Of the two best managers I've had at this company, one is the manager I'm losing, and the other was my manager back in 2000. He was my mentor and later friend. He saw potential in a girl with no degree or resume to speak of, but raw smarts, determination, energy, and a passion for the right things. The things you can't train.
In an interesting twist, he's a peer to my manager, so I have also worked with him the last year and a half, as well as on and off for the last few years on other projects. I would have loved to be on his team, but our past friendship meant we knew things about each other and I wasn't sure how he felt about that. The stories I could tell, that won't get told unless my toenails are getting yanked off. We haven't been "friends" in years just due to how life plays out sometimes but we still get along great.
On Friday I worked from home. For lunch, my husband and I walked out to get a bite to eat. As I sat down at a table, I looked at my email and found an email from that manager, asking if I could come talk to him if I was around. I had a hunch what this was leading to, as very rarely did I get messages with that much ambiguity. Since I wasn't in the office, he called me later that afternoon. He dropped it on me as easily as my other manager delivered his news. "How would you like to be on my team?"
I didn't quite squeal. Contrary to rumor, I do have some self-control.
I get to work on something I'm passionate about, too. It's the ideal outcome given the situation.
The marbles are out of my stomach and put in a bag before I lose any more of them than I already have.
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