The giant internal middle finger

I went to the second appointment with my new psychiatrist (ARNP) today.
 
I can't stress enough the value of being under good care when struggling with mental disorders. My previous psychiatrist wasn't bad, but I had a series of challenges where he was concerned. It took months before I could get treatment for ADHD, as he had decided within fifteen minutes of talking to me that my issue was that I was bipolar type II, and there was no more discussion. He shot me down for months, to the point that I was in tears after getting in my car because I just felt he wasn't listening.
 
June 2010. I was on the verge of finding a new doctor when I finally had to tell him, "My job performance is not satisfactory. I could lose my job." I didn't know it then, but those words apparently cause a doctor to listen. At the time, it wasn't my intention. I simply wanted to be honest and I was at the end of my rope. Months on Lamictal and I hadn't gained enough attention span to learn what I needed to in order to keep up with the rest of the team and meet my deliverables.
 
He started me on Adderall right away. Within a day, in an odd twist, I contracted viral pneumonia. I ended up with a 104 degree temp, eventually in the ER, the whole nine yards. Two days later, I tried working from home. I took the Adderall in the morning, and I started writing code.
 
Anyone who worked with me years ago could have told you that I didn't code. I couldn't focus enough to buckle down and learn or build a plan. I had never got the hang of it, to the point that I'd had another manager on the team tell a room full of managers that I had "limited potential." That could have been crushing, to say nothing of how unprofessional it is, but I have a tendency to take that sort of thing and prove people wrong.
 
That first day of working after I started Adderall, I was also on DayQuil and Mucinex. I shouldn't have been working. I shouldn't have been upright. 
 
I wrote code for ten hours straight without breaking a sweat. I kept laughing because I didn't know I could do that. I had never written code for more than two hours straight.
 
My career has been trending upwards ever since. I was honest with my management and told them exactly what the diagnosis was, and more or less what to expect as I went through medication changes. As it would turn out, my boss's boss had ADD, and he described getting treatment like "putting glasses on for the first time." He told me:
 
"It's hard to see something in someone and know you can't say anything because it crosses a boundary that you shouldn't cross."
 
I asked him if he'd already figured it out, then. He confessed that yes, he had already spotted the signs in me, but as a manager it was not his business to broach the topic. 
 
From there, it was just adjusting medication as needed. I went in, I had my 15 minutes with my doctor, and he refilled my prescriptions. Not exactly a personal approach, but it got me by.
 
In October or November last year, I admitted to my doctor that I was feeling stressed out. I'm sure this is shocking. He decided to explain to me how to not be stressed, how to not worry about decisions, how to be happy.
 
He told me that I could do this by having faith in God. If I trusted in God, I would know that everything would be fine and wouldn't have to worry.
 
I thanked him and left, then promptly made an appointment with a new doctor that specializes in ADHD at the same office my husband goes to. I do not go to the doctor to be told what to believe. I need concrete solutions to problems, actions I can take to improve my own life. This is how I tick. I want to combine lifestyle, strategy, good habits, and medication, to build a solid foundation and live an awesome life on it.
 
My ARNP doesn't rush the appointment. She listens to what is going on and we discuss strategy. Today we discussed that it seems like I'm losing my steam focus-wise between 2-4pm, and that it makes it hard to do anything at home. Rather than just tell me to do what I'm doing and see what happens, she gave me a prescription for short-acting Adderall to take in the afternoon to push past the stuck point. I took a page of notes of thoughts and ideas from our discussions.

If you're struggling with depression, ADD/ADHD, bipolar, whatever, remember: it can get better. You just have to take those first steps, then keep pushing ever onward. Get what you need.
 
As for the manager that told a room full of people that I had "limited potential", I smile at him every day. A huge smile, almost as huge as the big mental middle finger I give him in my head.